Behind the Mask
by Wastedsoul
Summary: Ziva David has always worn the perfect mask. But behind the mask is a secret that's killing her to protect. Will Gibbs and his team be able to stop her before its too late? Warning story contains- eating disorders and self harm. Don't like don't read.
1. Introduction

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Chapter One - Introduction

Ziva David presented herself as a strong tough individual. Her training had taught her to hide her pain, and use whatever means necessary to complete her mission and get the job done. The strict rules imposed on her, gave her structure and consistency and as such she did not deal well with change. Weakness was never to be shown, and there were serious consequences for those that did in Mossad. But since coming home from Africa and her ordeal with Saleem, she could not forgive herself for being so weak, and allowing that monster to think he could own her.

She did her best to hide what she was doing to herself. She work baggy clothes, ate her one meal of the day in front of her co-workers, contained her self harm to her stomach and legs to avoid suspicion and put on her best Mossad smile to try and fool everyone. Little did she know they weren't fooled.

This is the story of Ziva's decent into the depths of darkness.


	2. Hell Begins

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

xxxxxx

Ziva groaned as she rolled out of bed. It was 0400 and she wanted to be at the navy yard by 0500. She stood up and looked at her reflection in the mirror, tracing all the bruises and cuts with her fingers. The bruises were healing and the cuts drying up, but still all she could think of was how ugly it all looked. She had never thought of herself as ugly before, granted she didn't think herself as beautiful either, but it wasn't until now that she realised that things had to change, and fast.

She slowly got dressed, making a mental note to buy a scale off the internet when she was at her computer. Gibbs and his team had no idea that she had struggled with an eating disorder for the last 10 years. She had hidden it well, and since she remained at a fat healthy BMI there was no reason for anyone to be concerned. She had seen and still continued to see a doctor, psychologist and psychiatrist out of work hours, telling the team that she just needed some quiet time or that she was going out for a run. This way it usually kept them off her case as they all knew that Ziva was a pretty private person.

She arrived at the navy yard at 0459, she loved arriving early as it usually meant she could be alone for an hour until Gibbs arrived at 0600, although sometimes when they were stuck on a particular hard case Gibbs would sometimes be there at 0600 as well.

She pulled out a notebook and started drawing up plans and weight goals. Remembering she didn't yet have a scale, and as such had no idea of what she weighed she looked online until she found one that she wanted, it would tell her what her weight was and nothing else, but that was okay. She could download apps onto her phone that would tell her BMI and body fat percentage.

Gibbs walked out of the elevator and Ziva quickly closed her screen. There was no way that Gibbs could find out what she was up to. Not yet anyway.

Gibbs shook his head, but was in no way surprised that Ziva was so early. What concerned him more was that he didn't think that Ziva had taken enough time off from her ordeal with Saleem. But he knew that trying to convince her to take anymore time off, would be fruitless.

After a brief hello, the pair continued to work in silence waiting for the rest of the team. At exactly 0700 McGee arrived and at 0705 Tony burst through the elevator.

"Hi Ziva, wasn't expecting you back so soon" McGee said with notable concern in his voice.

"Well probie our little ninja here doesn't take time off for anything" was Tony's explanation.

"Thankyou McGee, and Tony if you must know I would prefer to be here doing something than sitting around at home." Ziva said in a tone of voice that warned Tony not to mess around with her. Not today anyway.

Gibbs watched his teams bickering, but was concerned at Ziva's reaction. Yes the two of them often were at loggerheads with each other, but it was not like Ziva to be so short with Tony within the first 5 minutes. He made a mental note to keep an eye on her, at least for the next couple of days.


	3. Distractions

Thankyou so much to everyone that has reviewed and/or followed my story. Also thanks to Ncistivalover1, who pointed out to me how McGee was spelt, thankyou because I couldn't figure out why it looked wrong :p

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Xxxxxxx

It was 0900 hours and the bullpen was silent. Even Tony was behaving himself for a change. Even though Ziva had been back at work for 2 weeks now, everyone was still walking on eggshells around her and she hated it.

Did they really think she was that weak?

_"Well you are, they are just showing you what you don't want to see" _came the voice in her head, that voice had come back to her as soon as she got back from Africa, it was the voice that had plagued her during her teenage years, and it was the voice that screamed at her to starve, binge, purge and cut. Yet it felt comforting to have something familiar, even though she called it her evil voice.

"Ziva, Ziva, ZIVA" Tony practically screamed her name by the last time.

"Yes Tony what is it that you want" Ziva said in a tone of voice that would have most grown men shaking.

"Gibbs said gear up, lets go" came the answer from McGee

"Oh sorry, I am coming" Ziva said in a somewhat dazed voice

"Rule no #6 Ziva" Gibbs practically yelled from the elevator

"Never take anything for granted?" Ziva asked with a puzzled expression on her face whilst her head screamed _"you don't deserve them yet you take everything for granted" _

"Nah that's no #8 Ziva, rule #6 is never apologise, it's a sign of weakness" Tim explained

"ARE YOU THREE COMING OR WHAT" came the irate voice of Gibbs

"On it boss" the three younger agents shouted whilst bolting towards the elevator

Xxxxxxxx

At the crime scene.

"Alright McGee talk to the local leos, David photos and DiNozzo talk to the victims husband" Gibbs said

"On it Boss" chimed three voices

Gibbs watched Ziva as she began to take photos of their latest victim. A dead female Petty Officer by the name of Joanne Shields. From the looks of it she had been shot to death, but it wasn't the victim Gibbs was thinking about. There was something off about Ziva, his strong ninja definitely had something on her mind. And getting her to open up wasn't going to be easy.

Ziva was aware that Gibbs was watching her. She had always been good at knowing when she was being watched and that together with her Mossad training, made her extra vigilant to such things.

She continued to take photos of the body, trying to concentrate through the constant yelling in her head saying _"this should be you, you fat cow. Your disgusting and horrible and this should be you"_.

Gibbs knew there was something wrong with Ziva, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. On the outside she seemed fine, so she must be right? Maybe he should just keep an eye on her. Yes that would be a good idea. After formulating this plan, he turned on his heal to join DiNozzo.


	4. Scalpels

Thankyou so much to everyone that has reviewed and/or followed my story. You guys are amazing and just make me want to write more :D I will try and update this story as much as I can, because I want this story to be around 30 chapters by the end, because the issues that this story is dealing with don't develop in five minutes and they don't go away quickly either.

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Xxxxxxx

It was 1700 hours and the team were chasing up leads on the Joanne Shields case. By the looks of things it was her husband who had murdered her for her life insurance money, and the team were about ready to close the case.

Ziva had been restless all day. She wanted to go home, to see if her scale had arrived to see how much she weighed. She needed to know that magical number and even though she knew she would hate herself for how much it was, she couldn't bear not knowing it.

The problem was she had lost so much weight in Africa because of the lack of food and water available to her. When she had come back she had spent a week and a half at Bethesda hospital where she downed weight gain drinks on top of being intravenously fed, just to prove she was ok. Nobody questioned her old self harm scars, as they believed that these were from Saleem. This allowed her to keep up her perfect façade, and the team was none the wiser.

In the bullpen Ziva was chasing up phone leads, McGee credit card statements and Tony was tracking the suspects movements for the last 48 hours.

"Can someone run this down to Ducky for me, and I need the final autopsy report" Gibbs stated

Ziva jumped at the chance to go down to autopsy, she had secretly wanted to go down there all day.

"I'll do it Gibbs, I've finished here anyway"

Gibbs grunted his okay and handed the files for Ducky to Ziva. She all but practically skipped down to autopsy.

_"Someone's obviously feeling better"_ Gibbs thought and let out a sigh of relief. To him it seemed that his little ninja was ok.

Xxxxxxx

In Autopsy.

"Ducky I have something for you from Gibbs" Ziva said as she walked through the doors of autopsy, smiling her well practiced smile.

"Well thankyou my dear, its good to see you up and about, but my dear Ziva how are you?" came the older mans voice laced with concern.

"I am fine Ducky, thankyou for asking" Ziva said _"must find a scalpel, where does he keep them, I need a scalpel"_

"Do you need anything my dear?" Ducky asked, watching Ziva look at him expectantly

"Ah yes, Gibbs would please like the autopsy report" Ziva said with her sweetest smile

"Ah yes my dear, I was just finishing it, do you mind waiting a minute" the ME asked

"Of course not Ducky, it will be my pleasure" Ziva said as she watched him walk over to his computer to finish typing his report.

As soon as his back was turned Ziva stealthily grabbed 2 medical scalpels off the autopsy table and stashed them in her pocket, praying that the ME would think his assistant James Palmer had carelessly misplaced them as he had done so many times before. She pretended to just be observing the deceased petty officer so as not to draw attention to what she had just done.

"Here you are my dear" Ducky's voice came floating into her thoughts and brought her back to reality. However this was not missed by the older man. He had come to regard Ziva as one of his children, especially since a mere two weeks ago he was convinced that he had lost her forever.

"Oh sorry Ducky, I was just thinking" came her reply. _"Shit that's the second time this has happened today. Get a grip of yourself David"_

"Anything I can help you with my dear?" Ducky asked in his most fatherly voice

"Oh no thanks Ducky, I better be running this back up to Gibbs" she replied and started making her way out of autopsy nearly running into Jimmy Palmer who had been running evidence down to Abby.

Ducky watched the pair exchange apologies, and shaking his head with a smile. He loved this team, and wanted more than anything for them all to be happy. It seemed that Ziva's smile had fooled him also. He was content to think that one his "granddaughter" was ok, she deserved happiness after all she had been through.

He turned back to the autopsy table, ready to close up petty officer Shields. He frowned as he took note of his medical equipment. He could have sworn there was more than one scalpel before.

"Mister Palmer, did you misplace the scalpels again? I'm thinking I might start using Gibbs's method of head slapping you, until you remember to stop losing our equipment" Ducky said with a mock angry face.

"My apologies Doctor, I really don't mean to" Palmer said with his head hanging on the floor.

"Its ok son I know, its ok" Ducky said his smile returning to his face.

Jimmy sighed a sigh of relief. He had more respect for the ME than his own father. And he always loved when he called him son.

Xxxxxxx

At 2300 hours the team all left to go home. Ziva was beyond exhausted after yet another long day. But there was more to do once she got home.

She nearly tripped walking through her front door of her house. It was then she realised her parcel had arrived. Quickly ripping open the package she stripped and set the scale down on the floor.

143 pounds.

143 pounds. _"Ugly, disgusting, fat cow, you are disgusting. You need to be a maximum of 90 pounds. You are disgusting"_

Ziva quickly dressed herself, but not before looking at her reflection in the mirror. She was hideous and she knew it. She needed to lose weight and fast, but first there was something else she needed to do.

She fumbled through her bag, until she found exactly what she was looking for. The scalpels she had stolen from autopsy were perfect for what she wanted to do.

She rolled up her pants and started to make identical lines on her upper thighs.

In an instant she could think clearer, her tears settled just a little bit, and she started to embrace the pain.


	5. Concern

Please petition for Cote De Pablo to stay on NCIS en-AU/petitions/cbs-television-studios-bring-cote- de-pablo-back-to-ncis#share

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Xxxxx

0400 hours. As usual Ziva's alarm went off, waking her from the most peaceful sleep she had managed to have in months. Wincing slightly as her cuts stung from the previous night, she rolled out of bed, making her way to the bathroom. After quickly peeing what remained in her bladder out, she quickly stripped and weighed herself just as she had the night before.

143 pounds.

_"You lazy cow, we are going to change this starting now!" _screamed the voice in her head. She half dressed herself and grabbed the box of tissues off the basin. After walking back into her room, she made small incisions to both her hands and arms. Nothing that would be suspicious to anyone, especially since she carried and a knife and dealt with armed suspects most days, but she needed something she could see. For at the time her body was too heavy to calm her, but the small incisions to her hands and arms reminded her that she just needed to pretend to be okay, and as long as she could see the cuts, then she could stay strong. She knew her logic was twisted, but she needed it to just get through the day.

Xxxxxxx

Ziva arrived at the Navy yard at 0500 breathless but almost happy. She had decided to run to work from now on, figuring that the extra calories burned would at least speed up her weight loss, even if it was just a little. She made her way to her desk and pulled out her notepad. Scribbling down meal plans she decided on a maximum of 800 calories to start with. Less was better, more was not allowed. She would see how the weight loss progressed and then adjust her calories accordingly. She knew how to make 100 calories look like 500, so that she would not draw suspicion. She didn't want people nagging her. Not yet anyway.

_"But of course you do, you want people to care. But why would they? You don't deserve them. You are weak and stupid, nobody could love you. You are a horrible and disgusting person" _her head all but screamed. She was getting used to the voices that were always there, but sometimes, it was just all too much. Checking her watch and seeing that it was 0545 hours she quickly ran to the ladies room, her blade concealed in her hand.

Xxxxxxx

Gibbs arrived in the bullpen at 0600, not a minute early or late as usual. He wasn't surprised to see Ziva already at her desk silently working. She appeared deep in thought, so he walked past and sat down at his desk, waiting to see how long it would take until he finally noticed her.

Ziva finished typing her plans into the computer. She always like to have a paper copy and an electronic copy just in case the paper copy got lost. People would say that it just made more sense to have a nelectronic copy and not bother about the paper copy, but she was a bit old fashioned in that way. Apart from cutting and losing weight, drawing up her self destructive plans was the only other thing that calmed her. She felt a twisted sense of enjoyment from doing them, and although she knew this was wrong. She could not stop.

After about 15 minutes of not being notices Gibbs loudly cleared his throat with a "ahem". Ziva all but jumped out of her chair at the sound.

_"Shit I must have lost track of the time, I wonder how long he has been sitting there?"_

"Hello Gibbs, when did you come? I did not see you walk past my desk" she said flashing a smile.

"Well Ziva you seemed pretty into you work, what is it you were working on?" Gibbs asked

"Oh I was just finishing my report from the case yesterday" she replied, she knew Gibbs did not know that she had actually finished her report last night.

"Punctual as always, your report then please? Gibbs asked as he held out his hand.

Ziva picked it up off her desk and handed it to her boss. Instead of taking the report from her however he grabbed her wrist, examining the cuts on her hand. Ziva put on her Mossad face and pretended that she had no idea what he was looking at, and waited as patiently as she could for him to release her hand. When he did there was concern that was evident in both his face and his voice.

"Care to tell me why you have all the cuts on your hand David?" He stated and Ziva knew it was not a question but a statement. He was expecting an answer and she had better make it a good one.

"Oh I was cleaning my weapons last night, and I dropped my knife of the table. I automatically went to catch it but well, I must have been tired and missed" she said trying to shake any nervousness out of her voice, and praying that just this once he would let it go.

"I think you need to go see Ducky and get these dressed David" was the answer she received.

"Oh Gibbs I am fine, I really don't think that will be necessary" Ziva said hoping that he would just drop it. But Gibbs being Gibbs could not just let it go. One of his children was hurt, and he was going to make sure she wouldn't be hurt for longer than necessary.

"That wasn't a question David, it was an order, now go" Gibbs barked in a tone of voice that didn't leave room for argument.

Ziva turned on her heal, and walked to the elevator as calmly as possible. Inside she was seething but she knew she would have to go along with it for the moment. She couldn't risk being caught out now.

_"Stupid man, he should mind his own business. I am FINE and it's not like I asked him to care anyway. So he shouldn't."_

Xxxxxxxxx

As she made her way down to the elevator, she remembered something that had been said to her during therapy with her psychologist. Katrina had asked her "when are you going to change the way, you think about yourself?" to which she replied indignantly "well it's not that easy." Fighting the voices was hard, and self destructing was so much easier. She had never been the one to take the easy road. Yet when it came to her illness giving into it seemed so much easier. She was still mulling this over in her head, when she walked into autopsy.

"Ah my dear, what has brought you down hear so early? Has Jethro got a case already?" asked the ME, who had only walked through the doors about 5 minutes earlier.

"Oh no Ducky, Gibbs just sent me down here, well because I was cleaning my weapons last night, and accidentally dropped my knife, and when I went to catch it, well it kind of got me, so Gibbs wanted me to ask you to dress the wounds" she explained once again praying that no questions would be asked.

Ducky took her hand in his and examined the small cuts on her hands. He didn't want to interrogate her on how she got the cuts, but he didn't really believe her story either. Nonetheless he smiled and said

"Let's get you cleaned up my dear" as he gathered up alcohol wipes and small Band-Aids apologising for the sting the alcohol wipes would bring. Neither agent nor ME said anything whilst the cuts were cleaned and dressed, however Ducky did have one request before sending her back up to the bullpen.

"Please can you take your jacket off my dear, I just want to make sure that the knife didn't get your arms as well" he said in his gentlest tone of voice possible.

Ziva said "of course" and proceeded to remove her jacket. There was a reason that she never cut her arms and wrists apart from the occasional single line. She knew that when people suspected you were a cutter, they always looked at the arms first. She couldn't help but smirk when he examined her arms and the declared she could go. Giving her the fatherly smile that he always did.

_"Well I got away with that, my secret is safe."_ Was her last thought as walked out of autopsy and back upto the bullpen.

Little did she know that Ducky was already suspicious.

"Jethro its Ducky, its about Ziva. I think we need to talk"


	6. Destruction Begins

Thankyou to everyone for your reviews :D Reviews are always a writers best friend J

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self-harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Xxxxxxxx

Down in autopsy a concerned Dr Mallard was, beginning to get frustrated at a certain Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

"Jethro you don't seem to understand. After everything that Ziva has been through, its only human that she's trying to find different ways to cope with the pain" the older ME pleaded.

"I'm telling you Duck she's fine, but if will get you off my back I will keep an eye on her for the next couple of days" Gibbs replied in an equally tired voice.

"Thank you Jethro, that would be for the best" Ducky said sighing a small sigh of relief. He was more than slightly worried about the girl, and although he didn't want to think there might be something wrong with her, he knew his mind would be more at ease knowing that someone was keeping an eye on her.

"No probs Duck, bye" came the short reply, from the team leader.

Xxxxxxx

Gibbs walked back into the bullpen to find his agents working on a stack of cold cases. It had been a slow day, which was a quiet relief to only 3 of the agents. The other was fidgeting around in her seat, and secretly wishing a case would come through, just so that she had an excuse to move around and burn more calories.

"Ants in your pants Ziva?" barked Gibbs as he stared at her, wondering what on earth was going on with her.

"Ants in my what, Gibbs?" asked a very puzzled and confused Ziva

"It means your fidgeting and moving around a lot Ziva" said Tim coming to her rescue.

Meanwhile Tony, who could not keep himself from doubling up in laughter at the look on her face when the "ants in your pants" expression was used.

"Sorry Gibbs, I just need to move around for a bit, my legs are wood after sitting for so long" the Israeli explained

"Rule no #6 Ziva. Don't make me remind you again" Gibbs

The team continued in silence for a few more minutes, when Gibb's phone rang.

"Hi Duck, hmmm yeah I know, uh huh ok I'll send someone to come and collect them" the three agents listened intently to the conversation, whilst trying to guess what exactly what was going on, and not look like they were eavesdropping at the same time.

"David, since you want to stretch out your legs so much, Ducky has files that we need." Gibbs said watching as his agents eyes gave away a slight hint of fear.

"Oh um Gibbs, are you sure? I mean I'm fine here really" Ziva explained, panic now evident in her voice.

_"Shit, what am I going to do? Why does he want me to see Ducky again? Stupid cow you need to stay away from him. I have even began to start getting on top of things yet. He MUST NOT interfere"_

"That was an order David, now go" came the now annoyed voice of Gibbs.

Ziva all but practically ran into the elevator.

Xxxxxxxx

Once in the elevator Ziva punched all the numbers, ensuring that the ride down to autopsy would take as long as possible. As soon as the doors closes she started doing jumping jacks as fast as she could.

_"Faster, faster, faster, faster your too slow, I said FASTER" her head screamed._

When the elevator stopped at autopsy, she stopped jumping immediately, and tried to slow down her now rapid breathing.

"Ah Ziva, so Gibbs sent you did he" Ducky said with a twinkle in his eye. He watched the younger woman for any signs that would give what she was thinking away.

"Oh yes Ducky he did" she replied trying to smile, whilst still trying to slow down her still ragged breathing

"Are you quite alright my dear?" asked the older man, concern in his voice in regards to the young agent for the second time that day.

"Of course Ducky, I decided to take the stairs. Just need to work on my fitness again I think" she said, never letting her smile drop. She knew the ME was on to her, but she needed to keep up the perfect façade. At least for now.

Ducky smiled a small smile, as he realised that she was not going to indulge him in what was worrying her today. His hope however, was that she would soon feel comfortable enough to tell him soon. He walked over to his desk and picked up the files that Jethro needed, and handed them to her.

Before Ducky could say another word, or even worse make another observation. Ziva walked as quickly as possible out of autopsy. Thoughts were running through her head at an alarming pace. Mostly because she was worried and yet at the same time relieved that there were people looking out for her. One of the things that she hated the most about her illness, apart from hating herself for both not wanting and wanting to be sick, was that she felt like she needed people. She had never needed or wanted anyone her entire life, she had been trained to kill and get the mission done no matter what for heavens sake! Yet when she was hurting she wanted people to be close to her, and yet at the same time she wanted to push them away in a futile attempt at proving to herself that she was strong, that she was invincible.

"_But you're not invincible, you are fat failure. You are worthless and you will never amount to anything" _came the evil voicein her head_ "Your disgusting, as if anyone would want you"_

As she listened to her head, tears started to form in her eyes. But she would not cry. Not here and not now.

Xxxxxxx

As soon as Ziva had left for autopsy, Gibbs had walked out of the bullpen muttering something about coffee. Leaving Tony and Tim on their own for the first time that day. But there was only one thing or rather one person that was on their minds.

"Ziva's acting a bit strange lately don't you think probie?" Tony asked Tim, his voice laced with worry.

"It's not unusual Tony, after what she's been through in the last couple of months" Tim replied calm as ever.

The two men sat in silence contemplating the changes in their fellow co-worker. There was something off about Ziva, they just couldn't put their finger on it.

Xxxxxx

Ziva arrived back in the bullpen to find only Tim and Tony still at their desks.

"Legs still feel like wood Ziiiva?" Tony asked rolling her name around his tongue as he often did

"No thankyou Tony, they are quite ok now. But where is Gibbs?" she asked as she sat behind her desk.

"Coffee" was the simultaneous reply

"Man I'm hungry" exclaimed Tony, holding his stomach as if he hadn't eaten for a week.

_"You have no idea"_ Ziva thought

"You're always hungry Tony" McGee stated interrupting Ziva's thoughts

"Well McDonald, it is lunchtime and I have myself here a nice couple of slices of pizza" Dinnozzo said putting his feet back on his desk, whilst digging into his pizza. (550)

McGee had brought a simple lunch consisting of a chicken salad roll (400), apple (70) and custard (110)

Ziva suppressed a smirk that was forming on her face, proud that she no longer needed to succumb to such human weaknesses. She pulled out her own lunch which today consisted of a salad (100) and diet jelly (28).

She watched Tony wolf down his Pizza, almost disgusted and yet half jealous of the way he could just wolf down his food without shame or regret. She picked at her salad whilst turning her attention to McGee who was also enjoying his lunch, although admittedly without as much gusto as Tony.

_"Now this is better, you don't need to eat like them. This is what we need to do, stay in control and you will be fine" _

Ziva smiled as the team finished eating, and started back on their work as Gibbs walked back in, from a very long coffee break. A few more weeks like this, and she just might start to feel good again.

_"Will it really though? Are you sure this is not going to go downhill again?" _nagged the other voice in her head. This was what Ziva called her logical voice. And even though she knew that her logical voice was probably right, she was already too set in her self destructive ways to listen to it.


	7. Twisted Logic

Thankyou so much everyone for your reviews, you cannot imagine how happy it makes me to see people enjoying my story. :D

Also to xxAmillie is the Murigamixx, my writing is based on previous and current experiences. I write because I find it extremely therapeutic and it's a healthy way for me to express my feelings J. I also hope to educate more people about eating disorders and other related mental illnesses to show that its not a choice, and we are still human beings. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to about anything, please pm me as I am always happy to listen and help where I can J

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self-harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

xxxxxx

0500

Ziva silently prayed as she stepped on the scale.

138 pounds

She stared at the number, and then kicked the scale away, disgusted.

_"FASTER, is this the best you can do? Stop being so lazy and FASTER"_

She walked back into her room, still shaking her head in disgust. She was a week into "operation skeleton" the code name she had decided on with the help of friend Lucy.

Lucy and Ziva, had become friends 4 years previously, through one of Lucy's work mentors who thought the two might be able to support each other when times were tough.

Lucy also had an eating disorder, more specifically anorexia and it had plagued her throughout her adolescence and young adulthood. They were very close, or as the Americans put it, best friends.

The only other girl Ziva had known that had an eating disorder was her sister Tali. Tali had been killed the year before Ziva had come to NCIS. A terrorist roadside bomb had exploded, killing her instantly. However it was unknown to her father, and most people close to her, that she was suffering from Anorexia. Ziva had done all she could to support Tali, but in the end it was a terrorist and not her illness that had killed her.

Ziva opened her diary recording today's weight. There was a slow pattern of weight loss emerging on the page in front of her.

143.0

142.6

141.9

140.4

139.9

139.1

138.0

She snapped the diary shut, putting it down before opening her closet to find clothes to get dressed. Getting dressed was a daily battle, and she usually tried on 3 or 4 outfits before finally giving up, and just wearing whatever was on top of the pile.

She changed slowly running her hands over the scars that covered her stomach and thighs. She grabbed her blade and started painting bloody red lines onto her thighs. She had decided that once she was under 110 then she didn't need to cut anymore.

As she cut, she let out a breath that she didn't even know she was holding in. She grabbed some tissues and cleaned the fresh wounds, wincing as the cold water flowed over the open skin. She knew she needed to hurry up, it was 0600 already and she hadn't even left the house. Ziva knew she needed to pull herself together before someone noticed something was off. She didn't want that, not yet.

xxxxxxx

Gibbs knew something was off. Something was very off.

In all his years at NCIS, Gibbs had not known the former Mossad agent to be late. Checking his watch for what must have been the 20th time that morning. It was 0631 and he had made up his mind, that if she did not show up within the next ten minutes then he would send a search party after her, or at the very least he would call her.

Xxxxxxx

0635 hours

Ziva continued running towards the Navy yard silently hoping that Gibbs was also late to work today, because she knew he would try to interrogate her as to why she was so late. Well technically she didn't start work until 0700, but at Mossad the agents started at 0500 and out of habit she kept it that way. Lately though she was finding it more and more difficult to keep track of the time, or anything that was not in her head. She knew that she was losing grip of reality, but she knew that the evil side of her was not done yet, and it would not let her stop.

0639 hours

Gibbs let out a breath as he watched Ziva exit the elevator. His relief quickly turned to worry, as he fixed her with a steely gaze that let Ziva know without question that he was mad. He was more than mad. He was pissed.

Ziva walked towards her desk, trying to ignore the what did the Americans call it? Elephants? No flys that were in her stomach at seeing the look on Gibb's face. She knew she was going to have to do some fast talking to get out of this one.

"Hello Gibb's sorry I am late, I overslept this morning" she explained smiling a fake smile,

But she could see Gibbs was having none of it, his face turning from worry, to anger to betrayal. She knew that the unspoken rule on Gibb's team was to always be honest with each other. That's why the team worked so well with each other. They were honest with each other no matter what.

Gibb's knew that there was something wrong with Ziva. Her behaviour had been so out of character for the last week, and if he heard her say she was "fine" one more time, he might just lock her up into interrogation room 1, until she started talking. That said he knew a week was too little a time to judge someone's behaviour by, so he would wait for as long as his patience would allow. But his patience was wearing thin.

"Well David, next time you "oversleep" call me, so at least I don't nearly call a search party" Gibbs barked in reply not bothering to life his eyes from the report he had in front of him. If she was not going to talk to him, then he would play her game, giving her enough so that she knew he cared, yet keeping a distance. He knew that before long she would crack and he would finally find out what was bothering her. Or so he thought.

Ziva stood, and walked out of the bullpen, muttering something about "ladies room" and as soon as she was out of sight sprinted down 3 flights of stairs, finally settling for the fourth flight and sitting down. Holding her head in her hands her emotions changed from sad to angry to hurt. She couldn't understand why Gibb's couldn't even look at her, and it brought back memories of being a child, when her father was too buried in his own problems to notice she was hurting. Not because she thought that Gibbs was buried in his own problems, but because it brought back the same feelings. It made her feel lost, and it made her evil head even more self-destructive. She wanted and needed to show people how much she was hurting. She wanted them to know that she wasn't the strong person she pretended to be. She was a mess and she knew she had to hit rock bottom, before she could allow herself to even start to get better. She didn't know where this twisted logic came from, but for the last five years it had been a feeling she couldn't shake off.

_"Well of course he doesn't care, why would he. Your just being a attention seeking bitch. Your fat and ugly and stupid. Why on earth would he want to be with you? You're a fake cow:"_

And with that, she grabbed her blade and started to cut.

Xxxxxxxx

Tony and Tim walked into the bullpen, Tony teasing the younger agent as usual. Tony didn't seem to notice Gibb's odd behaviour, but Tim being ever observant as he was did.

"Something wrong boss?" he asked, Gibbs had become both his boss and mentor over the years and as such Tim had learned to pick up on his bosses moods.

Tony watched the pair intently. Now that Tim had pointed it out, his boss was acting slightly strangely. Gibbs never really was the talkative type, but he had learnt to read his moods and thoughts by his facial expressions, and the one that Gibbs was wearing now was one of hurt, which was rarely seen on the face of Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

In response to Tim's question Gibbs replied

"I don't appreciate being lied to Tim. Especially by a member of my own team. We are a family and families stick together"

"Uh well, we aren't lying to you boss, you know we've always got your six" Tony replied panic in his voice

"I'm not talking about you Dinnozzo, if any of you find out what's wrong with Ziva I want to be the first to know" he said standing up from his desk, and fixing them with a stare that left no room for discussion.

"I'm going to get coffee" were his last words as he stood up, walking out of the bullpen, passing Ziva as she walked back in.

Tim and Tony watched as Gibbs and Ziva walked past each other without so much as a glance at each other. They knew this was unsual for the pair, that had been so close just a week ago.

Tim sat down shaking his head.

_"Today"_ he thought, _"Today is going to be a very long day"_


	8. Paper Trail

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self-harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Xxxxxx

Ziva sat down at her desk, pretending that she was working on the cold cases, when in reality she was figuring out new meal plans, to speed up her weight loss. She decided that the only foods she would allow herself to eat would be baby corn, berries, soup, diet jelly, apples, diet drinks, and tea. The quantities and exact calorie counts she could figure out later. What mattered to her at the moment was that she was starting to gain control again, and she wasn't about to let that go. Not for anyone.

Tim watched Ziva intently, from her tranced state Ziva hadn't even noticed that he was watching her. Unusual behaviour from the woman who slept with a gun under her pillow, and didn't go anywhere unless she was heavily armed. He knew she never let her guard down usually, but he was seeing it happen more and more often.

"You ok little ninja? Your very quiet today" Tim asked

"Well Timmmy, the little ninjas been quiet all week, and we don't appreciate being lied to" Tony said standing up and walking over to Ziva's desk.

"Ziva. . ?" Tony asked, punctuating every word with a tone of voice that Ziva had not yet heard, from the usually joking agent.

She looked up with a determined glint in her eye and said:

"Tony it is not my problem if you think I am lying to you, and maybe I am quiet because I am DOING MY WORK" shouting the last three words and standing eye to eye with Tony.

She was beyond angry with everyone and couldn't understand why they could just not LEAVE HER ALONE.

"Well then what is this?" Tony shouted equally as angry, pointing to her list of safe foods that she now had typed onto her computer.

Ziva stood up and for the second time that day, ran out of the bullpen tears of anger, streaming down her face as she left.

Xxxxxxx

Tony watched her run, before starting to pace up and down, trying to figure out exactly what was wrong and wondering what the hell safe foods were.

Tim had walked over to Ziva's desk as soon as Tony had started pacing. He frowned at the computer screen when he saw her list of "safe foods." Not usually one to pry, it took someone to seriously worry him before he started snooping. And yet he still couldn't help but feel seriously guilty about what he was doing.

"Um Tony, you might want to have a look at this" he said whilst handing to Tony a paper that was titled : Rules

Rules:

Maximum of 800 calories a day, 500 is better, fasting is best

Minimum of .4 pounds to be lost a day

Exercise everything off

Lose weight NO MATTER WHAT

Tony stared at the paper shocked by what was in front of him. He had heard of girls doing this to themselves, but he would never have thought of Ziva being so stupid. He knew they needed to tell Gibbs and fast.

"Something you want to share Dinnozzo?" Gibbs asked, as Tony nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Boss maybe you need to see this" Tim said taking the paper from a shell shocked Tony and handing it to Gibbs.

Gibbs read through the paper quickly, easily recognising Ziva's writing easily. He made his way to the elevator shouting

"Autopsy" before the doors shut. He needed to speak to Ducky about this, and fast.

Xxxxxx

Meanwhile Ziva was pacing up and down the stairs, breathless and exhausted. She knew she must have run up those stairs at least 9 or 10 times already, and yet it didn't seem enough.

_"Of course it's not enough, you should run more. Being tired is for the weak. You are supposed to be stronger than this" _

Ziva stood up, and started running up and down the stairs again.

She ran to escape the thoughts in her head, the anger she felt at everyone else. But more than anything she ran, because all she wanted to do was escape herself.

Xxxxxxx

"Ducky we have a problem" Gibbs said to Ducky worriedly as he walked through autopsy.

"Why yes, my dear Jethro I know, but why do you think so all of a sudden?" the ME asked, thinking back to the many times in the last week that he had tried to explain this, but got nowhere.

"This" was all Gibbs answered thrusting the piece of paper with Ziva's rules into the older mans hand.

"Oh my" was the reaction he received.

Ducky was silent as he read the piece of paper, twice through whilst trying to analyse exactly what was going on in her head. This was not normal behaviour for her, in fact it was not normal behaviour for anyone. Ducky had seen this type of thing before, he had treated a few marines with eating disorders whilst serving in the US Navy, but he hoped that maybe with early intervention Ziva could stop these thoughts quickly. He had no idea, she had been battling with her illness for years, and as medical records were confidential, Ziva had made sure that NCIS did not know about her medical history.

"This is serious Gibbs, we need to get Ziva to talk to someone immediately if we have any hope of stopping this, before it turns into a full blown eating disorder" Ducky explained to Gibbs

"Ducky and eating disorder? You think Ziva might have one?" Gibbs was confused at the doctors reaction to the paper. He knew that there was definitely something wrong with Ziva's behaviour, but at the same time it couldn't be a eating disorder could it? He saw Ziva eat every day, and whilst the Israeli had never been overweight, she was stick thin either. Gibbs had always liked her because she was an average bodyweight, which to him was refreshing to see when there were so many wafer thin girls out there.

"I know what your thinking Jethro, and yes Ziva may not be underweight, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have some serious problems going on up here" Ducky explained whilst tapping his head, he knew the younger man loved Ziva as a daughter, and it was often harder for the patients family to accept that there wrong than the patient.

"Well what do you propose we do Duck?" asked Gibbs a determined look in his eye, he would do anything to make her ok again, he had to.

"First things first Gibbs, bring her down here and let me see if she opens up to me. Maybe talking to a familiar face will help her open up a bit." Said the older man

"No probs Duck, I'll go get her right now" Gibbs said as he turned on his heel and exited autopsy, intent on going straight up to the bullpen and sending Ziva to autopsy. He would drag her there if he had to.

He was mulling these thoughts aver when he stepped back into the bullpen and saw no sign of the female agent.

"McGee, Dinnozzo where the hell is she?" He half asked, half shouted annoyed that she couldn't even stay put for 5 minutes these days

"Uh boss we haven't seen her for the last half hour" McGee explained nervously

"Well go FIND HER" Gibbs shouted exasperated by this point.

Watching the two agents scramble out of the room, he sighed as he sat down rubbing the temples in his head.

_Today_ he thought _today is going to be a very long day _


	9. Flashbacks

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self-harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Thankyou to everyone for the amazing reviews, it really does inspire me to write more :D

Hansel Lover101 - Thankyou foe pointing out rule #10 to me, I have changed it now :D

Hopefully I will have a new chapter posted in the next couple of days :)

Xxxxxxx

Ziva unaware that people that were looking for her, was sitting on the fourth flight of stairs. She had kept running until she had at last felt numb and devoid of any emotions. As much as she sometimes hated feeling numb and empty, it was easier than dealing with the turbulent anger that had ripped through her when she had run through the bullpen.

_Pull yourself together, this is all your fault anyway!_

Ziva was about to start screaming again when Tony burst through the door.

"Ziva what the hell are you doing here?" Tony asked angrily "do you have any idea how many times we called your cell? Rule no #3 Ziva, never be unreachable!" Tony said. He was still angry at her, but as he talked his anger turned to worry. She just sat there and said nothing. Ziva never said nothing and was always the first to defend herself, she was never just silent. It just wasn't Ziva.

"Come on Ziva, your coming with me" Tony said as he offered out his hand to help her get up

"And where exactly are we going?" she asked, the anger quickly rising in her chest again

"To Gibbs, who I might add send both McGeek and I to find you"

_Oh Shit_ she thought, _I'm done now_

_No I will show him, I will show him I am not scared of him. I Ziva David and I am not scared of anything_

Tony watched her expressions change rapidly. He watched as she stood up and motioned him to move a determined look on her face. He knew she was steeling herself for a fight. That damn stubborn woman.

_But_ Tony thought, _I don't think she has realised what she has gotten herself into this time_

Xxxxxxx

Gibbs sat alone in the bullpen, his anger growing more and more by the minute. He couldn't understand why Ziva was doing this to herself.

_An eating disorder, how could she be so stupid?_ He thought

_but_ thought the other voice in his head _its an illness not a_ _choice_,

Ducky had explained that to him years ago when they had worked on a case that involved a female petty officer who had suffered with Bulimia. The killer had made it look like the Petty Officer had committed suicide because the Navy had found out about her Bulimia and she had been medically discharged. It was only after NCIS was brought in to investigate that it had been discovered that the killer, who was the officers ex-boyfriend had not only spread her secret, but he had been a big trigger in the early stages of her illness.

FLASHBACK

Gibbs looked at the dead petty officers body sadly. The girl was a mess, bruised knuckles, low electrolyte levels, an irregular heartbeat and her throat was badly damaged from what Ducky had described as

"Years of forcing herself to throw up Jethro"

He couldn't understand why anyone, least of all a young girl who seemed to have everything going for her, would do this to themselves. As if reading his mind Ducky had tried his best to explain the illness.

"You see Jethro, Bulimia is an eating disorder and is a psychological condition. It is characterised by episodes of bingeing and purging, accompanied by feelings of guilt and self-loathing. The poor girl you see on this table did not choose to make herself feel this way, but used the bingeing and purging as a coping method. In the start Bulimics think they can control there bingeing and purging, but before long it becomes an addiction and they can't stop. As the disease progresses they lose more and more control. Some get better and some don't. I think if this poor girl wasn't murdered, by the state her bodies in, I think she would've been lucky to last another 6 months"

"Well why didn't she just stop Duck? Why if it was hurting her so much didn't she just stop?" He had asked

"Well my dear Jethro, as scared as she would have been living with her illness, she would have been more scared to live without it. Her Bulimia became her identity and without it she would feel lost. Also telling a eating disordered person to just "get over it, and get better" is like telling a person with cancer to just jump out of bed, and get rid of the cancer themselves. Sometimes these things just don't "go away" they can be improved with time, but some people just never fully heal"

END FLASHBACK

Gibbs stood up as he saw Tony and Ziva emerge from the door leading to the stairwell

_Ah, so that's where she likes to hide_ he thought,

_Well I will; be taking note of that for the future_

Gibbs looked at Ziva in the eye for a minute, trying to see what was going on in her mind.

Gripping her upper arm, so as to make sure she wouldn't try and run away again, he simply said

"You're coming with me"

Whilst dragging her into the elevator, and into autopsy where a very expectant Doctor Mallard was waiting.

After seating her down on one of the autopsy tables, Gibbs left autopsy to give them some privacy.

Ducky remained silent as he observed Ziva's fidgeting. He could sense that she had some idea about the reason as to why she now sitting in autopsy alone with him, but waited to see if she wanted to say something first. Whilst she seemed content to look down and stare at her hands, he quietly walked over to the doors and locked them, as he did not have the energy to run after her, should she try to leave. He also wanted to see how she would react when she found that she was "locked in". He knew that if he was right about what was going on with her, then she would react angrily, but it also might get her to talk. She needed to know that she couldn't keep running away from her emotions and the people that cared about her, and that's exactly what he intended on showing her.

"So my dear, care to tell me how long you have had an eating disorder for" he asked casually carefully watching her body language.

At the words "eating disorder" her head snapped up and instinctively she tried to run. However she discovered the door was locked and that was the last straw for her, as she ran around autopsy punching and kicking anything she could get her hands on. She was tired of people probing into things that didn't concern her, and she didn't deal well with conflict.

As her angry lessened she sunk into a corner on the floor and began sobbing wishing for the ground to open up and swallow her up. In her rage of emotions she had totally forgotten that Dr Mallard was still in the room, and still quietly observing her.

None of that mattered now, all she knew was that in that moment. She wanted to die.


	10. Trapped

Thankyou so much everyone for the amazing reviews :D Hopefully I should be able to update again soon J

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self-harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Xxxxx

Ziva continued to cry herself out, still curled in a ball in the corner. She wished the older man would just leave, as she knew later on she would have to punish herself for breaking down in front of the older man, but for now there was nothing she could think of that would help her lessen her sobs.

Ducky watched the young woman, but kept his distance. He was at a complete loss as to how exactly he should approach her since he had never before seen her so upset.

Not wanting her to feel trapped any longer he unlocked the doors and slowly walked out giving her some privacy, and some time for him to think things through. He did not realise however that this was not the right thing to do.

_See he's left you, just like everyone else. You broke down, you weak stupid girl, and he has left you. He doesn't care, he's just like everyone else._

Ziva slowly stood up, exiting autopsy and silently running out of the Navy yard as quickly as possible, she would run home as soon as possible, all the while silently praying that someone would try and stop her. Praying that someone would show her that they cared.

Xxxxxx

Gibbs walked into interrogation 1, where an ashen faced Dr Mallard was waiting for him. Ducky had called him five minutes ago, quickly explaining that they needed to talk, and mentioned something about an intervention.

"Duck what's going on? And what's this about an intervention?" he asked confusion clearly written across his face

"Ziva is more sick than I first thought Jethro, she is aware of what is going on, but seems to have no intention of getting better and when confronted just tries to run. Its not going to be easy to get through to her." Ducky explained

"Well what do we do Duck? Maybe I should get her to stay with me for a while? This way I could keep an eye on her." Gibbs asked already mentally making a note to clean up a room for her in his house.

"No Jethro, not just yet. I think for now we need to pretend that none of this happened. We need to see exactly what she's doing first. We need proof, otherwise she's just going to keep running. The more you try to control her right now, the more she is going to push back." He said worry still in his voice. Ducky did not want to let her continue to self destruct any more than Jethro did, but after what he saw in autopsy earlier, now was not the right time to confront the young woman. He was also being slightly hopeful, that maybe after what happened today she might try to change on her own.

Gibbs stood and stared at Ducky for a moment trying to process all the information that was just given to him. He didn't want Ziva to get any worse, but at the same time he had no idea how to handle the situation. For now he decided, he would follow the doctors order, but if he thought she was getting any worse than it was time to take matters into his own hands.

"And Dinnozzo and McGee, what do I tell them?" he asked, knowing that they too had realised something was different about the young woman.

"Simply tell them, that Ziva is still adjusting back to normal life after Somalia. Just explain to them that she needs space" was the answer he received.

Jethro nodded for a moment, fumbling for his phone as it started to ring.

"Uh huh, ok, yep we're on our way" he said before snapping the phone shut.

"Come on Duck, we got a dead marine in Quantico" he barked quickly snapping back into the no nonsense Gibbs that Ducky knew so well.

Both men quickly exited the room to grab both their teams and their gear.

Xxxxxx

Ziva sat alone on her couch feeling completely numb.

Tony had txt asking "where the hell are you" to which she had replied "Gone home early just feeling nauseous".

She was surprised she had not received an answer from him, but then again why would she? She was not worth caring about.

_Push them away, they can't get too close, they can't get involved _her head screamed

Ziva held her head in her hands for the second time that day. She was so tired of fighting, everything in her head and it seemed easier to just give into it, and not to fight anymore. She wanted to just self destruct and to be left alone doing it. When she felt that she had reached her lowest point, then and only then could she ask for the level of support she needed, but she couldn't do that yet.

She knew if people could hear her inner thoughts they would think of what she was doing as a choice. But it wasn't. She wanted to get better, but her head wouldn't allow her too just yet, and her greatest fear was failure. If she recovered now before hitting her end goal, then she would have failed. Again. There would be no more failures, she just couldn't handle anymore.

Ziva stood up, walking into her kitchen to check the clock on the wall. It was 1300, and time seemed to be flying past today. She had an appointment with Katrina at 1700, which she was relieved about. She loved her drs because everything she said to them was confidential which meant NCIS had no chance of finding out what was going on, and sometimes talking to an outside person could help her see things more clearly. Sometimes it was just more of a relief at getting everything out.

She quickly changed into running clothes, exited her apartment and began to run.


	11. Head Doctors

Authors note: This chapter does contain thoughts, and talk relating to suicide so if this is going to be triggering please do not read. Also as this chapter is very true to my own experiences I would appreciate no flames in the reviews. If you don't like this chapter please keep that opinion to yourself. I'm happy for anyone to critiwue my writing or suggest ideas, but please not for this chapter. Thanks everyone :D

Also thankyou to everyone for the lovely reviews, uni has started again so I have not been able to write as often as I would have liked, but hopefully I will be able to update again soon :D

Disclaimer – I do not own NCIS or any of its characters I just wish I did :D. Italics will be thoughts, and xxs will be chapter breaks. This story does contain themes surrounding eating disorders and self-harm, so if you are in recovery please do not read as I do not want to trigger anybody. Reviews would be appreciated as this is my first fanfiction.

Xxxxx

Ziva sat outside Katrina's consulting suites, nervously fidgeting. Clinical Psychologist Katrina Mavis had been treating Katrina for the past 6 months. Professional help was still very new to Ziva, as she had been used to keeping things to herself for so long. She was always nervous before the appointments with any of the doctors she saw for her ed, often becoming paranoid that they would become sick of her an not wanting to continue treating her, or that they wouldn't believe her when she said things as she was still a healthy weight.

_Your fat, and they will see through you soon enough. Your too much trouble, there's so many other girls out there they should be helping and not you_

Ziva closed her eyes, trying to block out the thoughts in her head. Part of her really enjoyed these sessions, because although they could be emotionally draining, it often helped to get all the emotions out, and learn constructive ways of dealing with them. She would often go home and write notes about what she learnt so that when she was truly ready to get better she would have the healthy tools that she needed.

"Ziva" came the singsong voice of Katrina. Katrina was South African in descent and truly a beautiful woman, both inside and out. Tall, long legged, thin and very pretty Ziva was pretty sure that she would hate her if she wasn't such a beautiful person.

After following Katrina into her office and settling herself down on one of the large couches, she resumed her nervous fidgeting. The first question that was always asked was "So how have you been" to which she usually answered "fine" or "okay" with a tone of voice that implied that she wasn't exactly perfectly ok, but she wasn't a complete mess either. Today however she knew she was far from fine, and was worried about what would be said about that.

"So Ziva" Katrina started "How have you been doing since the last time I saw you"

"Um, well, um I'm still alive I suppose" Ziva replied in a small voice.

The last time she had seen Katrina was when she had just gotten back from Somalia, and she felt like she was keeping everything together by a thread. Whilst it had been a relief to see Katrina so soon afterwards, she felt like she needed to be positive and grateful about everything, since she knew that she was lucky to be alive.

Now however, all that positivity was lost on her, and she wasn't sure whether being alive was a good thing, or not.

"Is that a good thing, do you think?" Katrina asked as if reading her mind

_Damn woman, I don't want to talk about this. I'm going to sound stupid, and selfish and she's going to hate me._

"Sometimes I think it is, sometimes I think it isn't. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up again" Ziva replied hiding her head in hands. Suicide had been on her mind a lot lately, and it was one of the topics she was least comfortable about discussing.

"Ok, so by the sounds of it you have thought a lot about suicide recently?" Katrina asked, frowning with worry whilst watching the young woman in front of her. She knew things were not good for Ziva at the moment, but she also knew how strongly the young woman felt against suicide because to put it in Ziva's words "Well it would be easy for me, I would be dead. But I couldn't leave everyone else behind". So she knew that for Ziva to contemplate it seriously meant things were not good at all.

_I don't like where this is heading, no tell her everything. No don't tell her anything. No just DO IT_

"I nearly overdosed a week ago" she blurted out, fighting back the tears that were forming in her eyes. If nothing else she would NOT cry in front of Katrina. Not today.

"Oh no, please tell me what brought you to this Ziva. What made you think killing yourself was a good idea?" came the reply in the softest pleading voice Ziva had heard from the older woman.

Flashback

_I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this _she had though holding her head in her hands and rocking back and forth

_You're a disgrace, your fat and useless, you're a disgusting person and a monster. Your family would be better off without you. Nobody needs you, you're a lump a fat lump, and a waste of space. You're a failure and you will never be anybody _her head kept screaming repeating the ugly words over and over again.

Ziva had pulled out her diary, trying to write away the feelings in a desperate attempt at calming down.

_Dear Diary,_

_I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't handle all the yelling and screaming in my head. I have Seroquel next to me, I could just take all of that. Then I would be gone. I want to disappear and I don't want to do this anymore._

She put down the pen, and the book, calmly standing up with the box of medication in her hand and a glass of water in the other.

Walking into the bathroom, she sat down and in between the silent tears that were streaming down her face, started to empty the entire box of tablets. Her hands were shaking but her mind was fixed on one thought.

_I need to do this, I want to be gone_

Just before she started to put the first lot of medication in her mouth, she thought back to all the people she would leave behind. She thought about her family, both deceased and alive, her doctors and her co-workers. Her mind was running a million miles an hour, but guilt was also starting to sink in, and guilt was one emotion she could not handle well at all.

_You can't, think about everyone else. Don't be so selfish. No just do it. Be gone they don't need you. No you can't do this, do this and Tali died in vain. She was killed, but you have a choice, don't do this._

As soon as she thought of her sister, she knew her evil head had lost in its battle to kill her. Her sister was one of the main people that had kept her going all those years, and even though she was no longer with the living, her memory still remained a strong motivation for Ziva to keep going.

She slowly stood up and washed her face, now feeling completely numb. She stared in the mirror and the realisation of what she was about to do, hit her like a tonne of bricks. She was going to stay alive for now, even if was just for today. From now on she would take things day by day.

End Flashback

"I just didn't want to do this anymore, I'm done fighting. My head can win from now on, I don't care anymore" Ziva said, a sadness in her eyes that she just couldn't shake. She couldn't understand why it was so hard to be normal. She didn't want people to worry about her, but her thoughts were scaring her, and she didn't know how to be normal anymore.

Katrina looked on sadly, whilst thinking what to say to the young woman next. She wished that she could flick a switch in Ziva's head to show her what a kind and beautiful person she was. She often wished she could do this with all her patients, young women and sometimes men as well all with their own stories to tell. But the underlying message was often the same.

None of them felt good enough.


End file.
